Just my ramblings. . .

{April 19, 2007}   Holy hell. . .

Seriously. . .

I’m on medication to minimize the roller coasters of life. And then life turns into a roller coaster. First I get a job working from home, making a great wage. Then it’s taken from me– pulled out from underneath my feet in the blink of an eye because contracts weren’t renewed. I had nothing to do with it– it just affected me.

Eh. So we move on.

Then I face some serious health issues– thinking I may have appendicitis or something crazy serious like that. Turns out I’m just pregnant– or am I? I haven’t missed a period yet, and the hormones were up there to say I’m pregnant, but I’ve been spotting and cramping. Hormone levels dropped by 1/2 over the past 3 days. Tomorrow I have an ultrasound and probably more blood work. Can I keep this baby? I don’t know– I know I’d like to, but if I can’t it’s not the end of the world.


{April 19, 2007}   For Heather

I don’t know if anyone even reads this secret blog anymore, but if you are– go visit Heather. She’s an amazing woman who is facing some serious trials. If you feel so inclined donate a dollar or more to her fund to help pay for her surgery.

{March 29, 2007}   Lonely at the top

Life has handed us a whopping box of lemons. Hugest box I’ve had in a while. I don’t remember praying for patience or growth, but apparently that’s what the Lord felt I am in need of right now. We’re trying to make lemonade. I need alot of sugar with this one!

I’m at a place in my life where we’re really stretched paper-thin. I need some help with just very basic things–like getting myself to work right now. The gospel is all about helping others and acting in a Christ-like manner. Yet, I’ve called people and literally been turned down or told to call someone else. It’s heart-breaking because I’d give my right arm for some of the people that I’ve asked for a simple ride somewhere, and they have turned me away.

We had debated potentially moving out of this area, but we feel the need to stay. But what’s the incentive when I have no true friends, my family has turned their backs on me, and others are all business with me because I’m the RSP. I didn’t ask for this calling. I didn’t even ask to stay here.

Yet it happens so we deal.

{March 10, 2007}   On Meds. . .

Dear Ms. Pharmacist and Mr. Doctor-Smarty-Pants:

I realize you make your money off of repeated doctor’s visits and subsequent prescriptions. You say you are working in my best interests, yet I beg to differ. You gave me these pretty blue pills to take for the next 4 months. I’ve been on them for a few months now, and sure the scary thoughts are going away, but the side-effects suck.

Who wants to fall asleep at 7pm on a Friday night on a regular basis? Or 8:30 on weeknights?

Who wants to get carsick almost every time they set foot in a car, train, bus, airplane, roller coaster as a passenger?

Who wants to lack libido for months on end?

Some things just aren’t worth the consequences. But you say this pill will take away the bad thoughts– so we plug on. Can you get someone to upgrade this pill please?! And maybe get rid of a few of the side effects?


Post-Partum Mommy

{March 1, 2007}   I really am happy!

Dear Mother,

I am happy, really. I know you won’t believe it because I told you that I have PPD a while back. Now you forever think I am permenantly depressed. It’s so not the case. I love life. I love my family. I am genuinely happy.

I  have a beautiful daughter who makes me laugh almost constantly. I have a dear husband who loves me unconditionally. We have a great time together, whether it be reading the scriptures as a family or playing X-Box football. I have a knowledge and testimony of the true gospel of Jesus Christ. My calling has helped me to grow infinitely closer to Him, for which I am eternally grateful.

Sure, I’d love to be out of debt, or even working in a great full time job to pay down the debt quickly. Sure, I’d like to own my own home so I don’t have a crazy landlord telling me that I can’t foster or adopt kids as long as I live in her home. Sure, I’d love to have a mother who doesn’t call me up to talk about bowel movements, catheters, bed sores, or gaseous problems. Seriously.

Never will I sound happy on the phone as long as you are asking me stupid questions, along the lines of, “Are you feeling better? You know throwing up will make you feel better, so why don’t you go do that now.” *eye roll*

I love you, Mother. But I think we do better at a distance, and without daily contact, contrary to your thoughts. This is why sometimes I just let the phone ring. I know youmay never read this as I’d be terribly afraid of your reaction. You would priobably send me incredibly horrid, vile emails but expect me to be overjoyed that you wrote.

Thanks but no thanks. I’ll just type this and then go to play with Doodlebug.


Your happy daughter

{February 23, 2007}   Carsickness and PPD

Is anyone else out there experiencing this? It’s so frustrating to be out, enjoying a nice drive with the family, when I just get nauseated due to the turns or hills in the road. Anyone know of any natural cures?

{February 20, 2007}   Dreamin’ or Obsessin’

So I’ve been thinking about this for a while– why in the world can I not be happy in the present, instead constantly dreaming of the future? I have a wonderful family, an adoring, caring husband, and a darling daughter. I know I am loved. I know I am a daughter of Heavenly Father, and that I can return to Him.

Is it my faith that I rely on so much that causes me to constantly hope and focus on a better future? Why is it so hard to be happy in the present? Sometimes I find myself dreaming of the perfect house or the kids we’ll eventually adopt, rather than playing with my dear girl right now. She’ll be walking around the living room, playing with her toys and there’s me thinking of the future rather than the present.

It’s saddening, as I am happy. I love my life. But for some reason I’m so obsessed with the “dream.” Has anyone else dealt with this? Any ideas of how to keep the focus on today?

{February 11, 2007}   No news is good news. . .

So it’s been a while since I’ve felt like blogging. Alot of it is that I just have so much going on, it’s hard to justify the time right now. We’ve been trying to get me a full-time job to alleviate some of the debt. It’s a hard time coming in this economically depressed area. It doesn’t help that I’m looking in education and academia which is infamous for taking decades to hire anyone. Hopefully by late spring I’ll have a secure position. Cross your fingers for me.

Doodlebug is just over 9 months now. She’s got 6 teeth (4 on top, 2 on the bottom) and she’s so not afraid to use them. Yep, fun fun. I love the stage she’s at though right now. She’s scooting around but unable to walk without support yet. Her smile lights up my world, and she truly brings me joy and happiness.

Day care has gotten better for her. It used to kill me to drop her off because she’d scream and scream as I left. Now she’s getting more used to it, and I think she enjoys playing with the other kids. I watched her play peek-a-boo with another baby through this kitchenette window and it was adorable. It’s so fun to see her growing up.

The meds are working. I’ve definitely mellowed out. No more scary thoughts or demons all over the place. The hardest thing is that I get carsick when Dear Husband drives. I’m either hot or cold in the car and I can’t handle not being in control of the car around the curves and at high speeds. The doctor says this is normal, and it’s getting a little better slowly over time. I haven’t felt like retching lately while he drives which is definitely an improvement.

My calling is heating up. I tell you there’s no lack of drama out here. It’s so hard because as a teacher in the ghetto, I dealt with crap all of the time. I saw horrid parents who let TV or the streets raise their children for them. It pains me to see the same thing here. Yet I can’t really fault them, as their childhood was no better. The thing that I try to remember is that you just have to teach the doctrine and let people govern themselves. Hopefully they’ll choose the right, but they have to make the choices and consequently they have to face the results of their actions. It’s hard to watch, but it’s giving me a greater opportunity to get to know my Father in Heaven as I know He deals with this eternally.

{January 16, 2007}   Meds must be working

I’m sleeping better and my moods are fairly constant. It’s not been too bad lately, with the exception of the carsickness– especially when my Dear Husband passes people in the fog on a 2 lane road.

I’m seeking fulltime employment, we’ll see what happens there. I think it will be good for me and for Doodlebug.

Overall life is grand. And I still haven’t gotten to read that horrid email from Mother. Thank God for small miracles.

{December 26, 2006}   Why oh why?

So yesterday Mother told me she wanted to send me that email to “vent” because I’m “mad at her.” I still haven’t gotten it, despite numerous attempts to resend it. We’ve had 3 decent conversations since then, so why are you sending an email to vent?? Venting is normally done in anger and haste, yet this is so prolonged that it’s no longer hasty or angry. Why is she pushing sending such a hateful email? It has to be bad for her to call me and say, “please don’t be mad at me.” Those calls normally precede crazy, insane accusations or other hate-filled speech.

I just don’t understand.

et cetera